The Dukie News
Le Grande Finale - Final Edition 5 September 1995
Fast-Breaking Ice-Breaking News
-From the Captain: The pilot will be boarding at 1730 hr, at Punta
del Garda. ETA to Punta Arenas, 2300 - 2400 tonight. Please,
no passengers on the bridge once the pilot has boarded.
Thank you all for being so patient, and so entertaining! And
especially for being so quiet during the crossing. We missed you all
from 60iS !
-Barbie has survived the crossing, despite severe frostbite. She
asks that someone kindly buy her some more clothes before the next
trip South.
Classified Ads
-Scopalamine still for sale. Supplies limited, will sell to highest
bidder. See editors.
-For sale: Lutefisk, US$15 per kg. Brown cheese, 1000Kr per 500g.
See the Chief Steward. Hurry, going fast!
Words of the Day
Norwegian: God tur - Bon voyage!
Chilean: Buen viaje - Bon voyage!
Kiwi: See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya - Bon voyage!
American: See ya later, alligator - Bon voyage!
French: Bon voyage - Bon voyage!
Advice
Dear Auntie Dukie: I have been living on a little red boat for many
a long day now, and have gotten quite used to the lifestyle. I sleep
a lot, read the local papers, and eat brown cheese. I am now able to
sit through five reruns of each movie before I go mental. I have
seen the coming of the ice. I have seen the second coming of the
ice. But Auntie, now I see the coming of the land, Punta Arenas to
be precise. What can I do? I am fully adapted to this life - how
will I deal with a city, and people, and land, and trees, and NO
BOAT? Please help me Auntie Dukie. I need you!!!!!
Yours, The Icicle
Dear Ice: You seem to have developed a rare, and life-threatening
disease, called littleredboatomania. Most cases find they are left
with two options -(1) to live out the rest of their days, traveling
back and forth across the Drake in the little red boat. This may
require stowing away, or practicing your Norwegian, and impersonating
a crew member. (2) Kill yourself. And remember to wear clean
undies when you do it!
Good luck, Icicle my dear.
Your ever loving and caring Auntie Dukie.
Scuttlebutt:
-Overheard at tea with the crew: Yayayayayayayayayayay, nei, nei,
nei, nei, nei, nei!
-From a Main Deck W.C.: "Aaaaaauuuuugghhh"
-In the Day Room: Those aren't port holes, those are oar locks!
-From a little mouse: There's going to be a brouhaha at the Golden
Dragon tomorrow!
Rumor has it that the chief engineer will be spending a large portion
of his paycheck at Sotito's tomorrow night! Dukie News editors can
eat a lot!
The Dukie Pukie Diet:
Day 1: Copious amounts of wine, beer, and any other substances to
bring your Blood Alcohol Content to toxic levels.
Day 2: Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: Nada
Dinner: Nada, Nada, Limonada!
Day 3: Breakfast: One Saltine Cracker. Whoa! Slow down!
Lunch: Think about eating. Decide it's a bad idea.
Dinner: Piece of bread, bite of mashed potatoes.
Midrats: Entire bag of potato chips. Six pack.
Day 4: See Day 2.
The Secret Life of Alf Herfjord, Rock Star
Dukie News: Do you have that TV show in Norway, called ALF, a sitcom
about an Alien Life Form?
Alf: Yes.
DN: Do you identify with the cute little monster, ALF?
A: Only the nose.
DN: Where are you from?
A: Close to Trondheim, about 2 - 3 hours drive away.
DN: The other Norwegians reckon you talk funny. Do you have a funny
accent?
A: No the others do. Especially the chief engineer. Mine is
completely normal.
DN: Are you still suing the Electrician for libel?
A: It was settled out of court.
DN: How long have you been going to sea?
A: Since 1973, when I was 19 years old.
DN: What was your first job at sea?
A: On a fishing vessel in the North Sea, cleaning and bleeding fish.
DN: You should be working for Art!!! What's the best group of
passengers you've ever had on board?
A: You, of course!
DN: What will be the first thing you do when you get to Norway?
A: I can't tell you that.
DN: The second thing?
A: I can't tell you that either.
DN: Golly gosh! You have some children - can you tell us about them?
A: I have three boys, aged 8, 12, 17. The oldest one is at Mariner
School.
DN: It seems to run in the family. Was your father a sailor too?
A: He was a fisherman.
DN: What's something unusual about you?
A: I play the guitar.
DN: Will you play for us in PA?
A: If I get drunk, maybe.
DN: I'm sure that can be arranged! How long have you been playing
guitar?
A: I started in 1968, when I was 14 or 15. First I played dance
music with my father, then seriously in a rock band for several
years. I haven't really played in ten years. You might be
disappointed!
DN: Do you sing too?
A: Only if I'm drunk.
DN: So what do you like to drink?
A: Karsk - coffee, sugar and moonshine. Its quite strong.
DN: Tomorrow night in the Golden Dragon, then! Takk, Alf, you're a
choice dude!
Last Will and Testament of the Nearly Dearly Departed Editors
-To Ed and Carol, most prolific contributors, we leave the precarious
future of the Dukie News
-To All the Norwegians: may you be followed by another hoard of
adorable little girls, especially a Kiwi one. And maybe some Yankees
too.
-To Dear Alexis: Fame and fortune from interviews on TV.
-To Our Worldwide Fans: Autographed collector's editions of the DN.
They'll go for millions at Southeby's some day!
-To all aboard the next voyage of the Duke: A Drake Lake!
Thank You, Tusen Takk, Muchas Gracias
To all our wonderful crew, thank you, tusen takk, muchas gracias, for
putting up with our boredom, our seasickness, and our newspaper for
three long weeks! Special thanks to all in the kitchen for all the
yummy vittles, especially that choice birthday cake, Mario! Thanks
Stig for being available at all hours of the day and night to hunt
out bizarre food and drink from the bowels of the ship! To all on
the bridge, thanks for putting up with us sitting in your seats,
standing in front of the windows, and asking more stupid questions
than you thought existed! Thanks to the chaps down below in the
engine room - the tours were great! Thanks to the chaps on deck, for
all the help with trawling, and fishing! Thanks, Ron, for the email.
You are our savior! And thanks heaps and heaps for all the language
lessons!
To Barbie, thanks for ensuring our safe passage, even if you're not a
virgin.
You're all choice dudes!