The Dukie News 4 September 1995
Fast-Breaking Ice-Breaking News
-From the Bridge: We made about 150 nm in the last twelve hours.
Yippee. Big excitement, land in sight. Have passed the Straits
between Tierra del Fuego and Isla de la Estados.
-Had force 12 winds today - that's about 63 knots, or more than 100
km/hr. Wow!
-ETA PA 2200, Tuesday the 5th. DDBG We should be at the Pilot
Station at 1600 hr tomorrow.
-From the chief engineer: You call all shower as much as you want
now. Please! 20 minutes or more! BUT, if we use it all up, the
engineers will throw everyone overboard!
-The crew are going home on the 9th. So lots of stor fest in PA!
-Seen from the bridge today - More waves than you ever wanted to see.
-Most of the passengers were seasick, and rumor has it, perhaps even
some of the crew...the captain, maybe?
-Alexis was seasick for the second time in his life. Also some ex-
Navy newspaper editors?
Classified Ads
-Two sunbeds for sale, very cheap. They bring the ship bad luck. We
have already sold the barbecue, to a well known guy in PA, Mr El Mar,
but that didn't help. So must sell sunbeds immediately!!
-Scopalamine for sale for next trip. Getting more expensive.
Words of the Day
Norwegian: Morsomt - funny - as in "it is funny to watch all the
passengers get sick!"
Chilean: Mareado - how many of us have been feeling!
American: Hurl - What people who are mareado do.
There are no other words for the day, as the editor has a bet not to
mention that country downunder.
Advice
Dear Auntie Dukie,
Referring to yesterday's advertisement about Smith Island, Mexican
food, and Alison, let me just say that I like it HOT!
Secondly, Auntie Dukie Dear, you need glasses!! Alison a dude? See
your optometrist when you get home!! Pronto!!
PS Trivia fact: The distance from Anchorage, Alaska to Los Angeles,
California equals the length of Chile.
Dear Anonymous nameless unknown,
Thanks so kindly for your letter. Alison is all excited to meet you.
Meet her at the Golden Dragon, Tuesday, 2300 hrs for interview. As
for whether she is a dude or not - isn't this boat a girl called
Duke? In this enlightened day and age, there should be no
distinctions on such matters. However, you may be correct about me
needing glasses, I seem to have great difficulty in focussing on
anything these last few days! And opne more thing, our sources tell
me that in fact The distance from Mexico City to Fairbanks is
equivalent to the length of Chile.
Yours, forever and ever, until we get to PA,
Auntie Dukie
Trivial Pursuits
Yet more useless trivia and completely irrelevant drivel to keep your
minds stimulated. Where do they get this stuff from anyway? Did you
know that:
-The Polar Duke once grounded in the Beagle Channel (between Cape
Horn and Punta Arenas). Fortunately we aren't taking that route this
time!
-It was on May 17th 1990, 0330 hrs. Norway's Independence Day.
>$$$..........PAID ADVERTISEMENT...........$$$
LEGAL ASSISTANCE
HAVE YOU BEEN VIOLATED BY THE NEGLIGENT ACTIVITIES OF BELLIGERENT ICE
??? ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL
DAMAGES DUE TO NO FAULT OF YOU OWN ? THESE ARE THE BEST YEARS OF
YOUR LIFE, PRICELESS MOMENTS FOR WHICH YOU DESERVE ADEQUATE
RECOMPENSE, TO ENSURE YOU WON'T HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER THE REST OF
YOUR LIFE. NOW IS THE TIME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
WE HAVE THE SOLUTION.
HERE AT THE LAW FIRM OF ADELIE, EMPEROR AND SWINDLE, WE SPECIALIZE IN
RECOVERING LOSSES DUE TO DAMAGES INFLICTED BY POLAR NEGLIGENCE. OUR
HIGHLY TRAINED LEGAL STAFF HAS SPENT MANY YEARS OF TRAINING IN MAIL
CORRESPONDENCE COURSES, FOLLOWED BY GRUELING INTERNSHIPS ON THE
FAIRWAY. THERE ARE NO BETTER ADVOCATES NORTH OF 62i S. WE
GUARANTEE HIGH FEES, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOUR CASE IS WON IN COURT
OR NOT. YOU DESERVE ABUNDANT COMPENSATION FOR ALL THE SERIOUS
PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE YOU'RE SUFFERING
RIGHT NOW (REALLY , JUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR SOMETIME).
WE CAN WIN YOUR CASE, AND SOON YOU'LL BE RELAXING IN THE VIDEO LOUNGE
SIPPING PISCO SOURS, WITH NO WORRIES AND A BURGEONING BANK ACCOUNT.
DON'T DELAY, PHONE NOW @ WES-CRE-WYOU, FOR YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND !!!
OUR MOTTO:
THERE'S AN ICEHOLE BORN EVERY MINUTE
>$$$..........PAID ADVERTISEMENT...........$$$
Tomorrow, Tuesday, will be the last publication of the Dukie News.
If you'd like too have a last word, get your 15 minutes of fame, or
just want to try being a journalist, tomorrow is your last
opportunity. Applications are now being accepted for the position of
editor of The New Dukie News, for the next trip. All the current
editors will be resigning as of tomorrow. If you would like to be
interviewed for the last edition, please feel free to bribe the
editors!!!! Thanks again to all our contributors.
Personality Profiles: Steinar Johannesen, Chief Engineer
Dukie News: The most important question first - how many people do
we have to throw overboard before you get to be the Captain?
Chief Engineer: I don't want to be the Captain, so please don't
throw anyone overboard. But IF you do, at least one!
DN: What's you favorite food?
CE: firikil and kjttkaker and other Norwegian specialties. That's
similar to Irish stew, and meatballs. And I eat everything else
too!
DN: What's your favorite drink?
CE: Beer. Because then I don't get that drunk, and less hangover!
DN: What would you do if Reiber told you had to get right back on
the boat and go back to Palmer?
CE: I wouldn't be happy.
DN: Would you quit?
CE: Good question!
DN: Whats something really unusual about you?
CE: I don't know.
DN: Whats your favourite thing about the Polar Duke?
CE: Friendships, good poeple to cooperate with.
DN: And your least favourite thing?
CE: I dont like long sailing trips, of more than two months.
DN: Why not?
CE: Its too long.
DN: If we were to abandon you on Tierra del Fuego, who would you
take with you?
CE: There's lots of Indian girls there, so thats no problem! Maybe
more than I could manage!
DN: Oh err! What are you going to do first when we get to PA?
CE: It will be very boring. I will stay on board. I offered some
people dinner, but they only get half each now.
DN: Thanks, Steinar, you're a choice dude!
CE: I would thank you all for saving water, you are now allowed to
take showers and wash clothes as much as you want.