The Dukie News 2 September 1995
Fast-Breaking Ice-Breaking News
-From the Captain: Today we have made about 25 nm. At 1600 h we
were 25 nm North of Smith Island! The captain is happy today, we're
not stuck!!
-From Reiber Shipping: Warm fuzzies and best wishes to all aboard.
Announcements: 1300 3 Sept at the Bridge. Please, everyone be
there for the official group photo. This means EVERYONE -all races,
nationalities and sexes.
-Seen from the bridge today - Adelie penguins, and a Ross seal. This
will be Commander's 18th crossing of the Drake, and his first Ross
seal.
-Latest guesstimates for arrival in PA are that maybe, just maybe,
we'll be celebrating our third week anniversary in the Golden Dragon.
However, the captain declines to comment on this matter.
-Scuttlebutt: Rumour has it that today's trainee co-pilot is very
good.
Classified Ads
-Missing: one ice fish. Responds to the name of Freddie. Likes
krill. Rather sedentary. FREDDIE COME HOME!
-Wanted to beg, borrow or steal: Double sided sticky tape for
Chris's paper. Without it she will have to work for Ed forever!
Please help.
-Models needed: September 3, 1995. 1 pm. EVERYONE please arrive at
the bridge for the official group photo.
-Wanted: Lawyer to represent careful driver in libel suit. Payment
of 30% of damages awarded.
-Missing: clothes dryer. Last seen in the laundry room. Suspects
wearing clean, dry clothes.
!!First Mate Sues for Libel!!
In a statement to the Dukie News today, the first mate says:
"The electrician destroyed my reputation when he said that I was
raakjooring. I might be sacked from Reiber Shipping, and if other
companies hear about this, I may never get a job again. I hope he is
a very rich man. And so I hope I may be too. My lawyer will take
care of the rest."
The first mate has requested that the trial be delayed until his
return to Norway, as the onboard judge, our wonderful captain, may
agree with the electrician! The electrician has already engaged the
chief engineer as his lawyer in this matter, and declines to comment.
Coincidences: Part Four
I had just gotten back to Bangkok on the train from Malaysia and I
was tired. It had been a 22 hour train ride. I was desperate to
find a room and take a shower. I was staying in the travelers'
section of Bangkok (Khao San Road), trying to save some money. I was
walking from place to place with my backpack looking for available
single rooms. There were none. At one place I went to, a young
woman was already querying the front desk about a single room. Upon
learning that they had none she turned to leave. It must have been
out of desperation that she asked me if I was also looking for a
single room. I replied yes and she asked me if I would share a
double room with her. Without hesitation I agreed. Sharing a double
room saved us each a dollar or so, a significant amount when you're
broke. The rooms in the travelers' section of Bangkok are very
minimal in ever aspect. I found out that she was flying back home
the next day, so she would only be staying the one night. She asked
me where my home was and I replied California. "Where in
California," she asked. "Southern California," I replied. Where in
"Southern California," she continued. "Orange County," I replied.
"Where in Orange County," she asked, eagerly. "Costa Mesa," I
replied, certain that she had never heard of it. "You're kidding,"
she blurted out, "so am I." After a bit of probing each other's past
we discovered that she went to the other high school in town and was
four years younger than I, so we probably never met in our home town.
But, despite that, we did know three persons in common. She left
Bangkok the next day, and I have never seen her again. So much for
coincidences.
The Dukie News now has an anonymous drop box for all correspondence.
Copies are available from the editors, for a price. We deal in beer
and chocolate! Thanks once again to all our contributors. May you
all have fair winds and following seas.
Words of the Day
Norwegian: Beroomt - famous, as in "Having your name in the Dukie
News will make you famous."
Kiwi: Flog - to steal, as in "Let's go flog some chocolate from
the galley."
American: Trippin' - great, as in "That chocolate was really
trippin', dude."
Chilean: Boca - Mouth, as in the place where you stuff all the
chocolate you just flogged.
Maritime: Bow - The pointy end of the boat. Also, where the virgins
are sacrificed.
Advice
Dear Auntie Dukie,
Life is full of little paradoxes (like a she named Duke) and some
of these are simply insurmountable without help. This is a special
kind of help only you can offer. This has to do with the fact that
we must conserve water, and yet there are certain social niceties
that simply must be dealt with. For instance, I like to work out
and get quite sweaty, but I notice that after 4 days or so without
showering, shcleren lines start to rise up off my body and the fruit
flies on the ship tend to drop out of the air when they fly by me.
This doesn't really bother me, but I notice I can clear the mess hall
in 5 seconds flat when I walk in. Actually this isn't bad either,
since I don't have to wait in line for dessert. But where do you
draw the line? Good citizenship and water conservation, or clean
air? It's a real environmental conundrum...
But the paradox doesn't stop here. As we all know from that
fountain of wisdom and your fellow columnist, Ann Landers, its super
important to ALWAYS wear clean undergarments, in case one is severely
maimed, mutilated, or otherwise damaged. This is because if one has
to be stripped to their skivvies before the ambulance or undertaker
arrives (perhaps missing a few limbs or appendages), it is only
polite to put on your best front, so to speak, for the general public
or curious passers-by. Soiled underclothing just WON'T do ! Well,
the same MUST be true for those of us in the beset condition. Just
imagine if Richard Attenborough were doing a special on Antarctica,
and found us frozen in perpetuity on some God-forsaken iceberg, in
unclean undies. Shudder at the thought! But again, its another
paradox: water conservation, or clean machine? I don't know about
you Auntie, but I am totally at my soap-on-a-ropes end. HELP !!!!
Sincerely,
a concerned citizen
Dear CC:
Your sentiments are quite admirable and I do believe I can offer
the proper resolution to your dilemma. Simply reserve one set of
undies to wear only during exercise and when you are through, take a
bucket of water and with your washcloth, daintily dab the-- pardon
the word-- perspiration from your young, firm, bulging, muscle-bound
body...Oh, I think I shall swoon! Goodness gracious, it's quite
tepid in here! Then don your clean undergarments and perhaps a bit
of eau de toilette and you will be able to dine amongst your
shipmates again. It may also be prudent to take a clean pair of
undies to the hobby room so that you could change quickly should,
Heaven forbid, the ship go down while you were exercising. If you
require any assistance with your sponge bath, please do not hesitate
to summon your dear Auntie. (We old biddies must have our thrills
too!)
Lustfully yours,
Auntie Dukie
Trivial Pursuits
Yet more useless trivia and completely irrelevant drivel to keep your
minds stimulated. Where do they get this stuff from anyway? Did you
know that:
-The Polar Duke is 66.8 m (217 ft) long, and has a breadth of 13.0 m
(42 ft).
-She has a weight of about 2000 ton.
-Her two engines combine to give 4500 horsepower.
-She has two anchors, each weighing 1440kg (3180 lb). Don't let one
fall on your toes!
-She was built in 1983 at Yard Vaagen Verft Kyrkseferoovl.
-Her first voyage was in March 1983, and our esteemed Captain Brandal
was the chief mate.
-The first captain, Mr Philpott, was a Canadian, and formerly drove
supertankers!
-Her fuel capacity is 650 m3 , that's a range of about 15 000 nm in
open sea.
-On this voyage, we've used about 150 m3, and made a distance of
about 1000 nm. That's not quite so efficient. If we include all the
distance back and forth in the ice, we've gone heaps farther!
EXTRA!! EXTRA!! BIZARRE RELIGIOUS CULT SUSPECTED IN ICEFISH
DISAPPEARANCE
Poor Freddie is Gone
Somewhere near Smith Island: Frederick, our oh-so-pure-bred icefish,
has disappeared. Foul smell is suspected. Dr Dread Long, leader of
the bizarre Dreadhead Cult, is implicated in the abduction. The
Dreadhead cult was founded in order to help cult members get to Punta
Arenas, the Mecca of Dreadheadedness.
In a bizarre sacrificial ritual, it is believed that Freddie's ice-
white blood was sucked from his veins before his body was thrown to
the great Dreaded Gods, the Pointy Rocks of Smith Island. The
greatest fear for Dreadheads is to crash into the Pointy Rocks (or
Pointy Beasts, as they call them), and lose all chance of reaching
Punta Arenas. They believe that virgins and royalty should be
sacrificed to the Gods, in order to allow the great vessel of
pilgrimage, known to followers as the Polar Duke, to reach PA. As no
virgins could be located in the vicinity of Smith Island, the
Dreaders chose instead to offer Frederick, that brave, long suffering
soul.
Inspector Norse, the local constable, is requesting urgently that
anyone observing any unusual behavior should report it to him
immediately. He fears that Barbie could be in great danger, as the
next sacrificial offering to Isen Gods! Dr Dread was observed this
morning, on the bow, attempting to convert Barbie to his cult. If he
fails, she may be the next to go!!!!!
Personality Profiles: Alison Murray, Scientist
Dukie News: The most important question first - how many people do
we have to throw overboard before you get to be the Captain?
Alison: About 15.
DN: What would you do if you got to be Captain?
A: I'd hang out in the Crow's Nest, demand a lot more Mexican food,
probably upgrade the engine, and exercise my Captainly powers.
DN: What's your favorite thing about the Polar Duke?
A: The sauna. The colors - the yellow poles, the green bits, the
red bits... The view from the bridge. Sitting in the TV lounge,
its -15C outside, blowing a gale, and snowing, and I'm inside,
wearing shorts.
DN: Golly gosh, that's a lot of favorite things!! What's your least
favorite thing about the Polar Duke?
A: The intimidation of 50 foot waves!
DN: What will you be doing at Palmer?
A: Concentrating hordes of sea water, extracting hordes of DNA, and
running hordes of Community Fingerprint Analyses.
DN: If we were to abandon you on Smith Island, and you could take
only one book to read, what would it be?
A: It would have to be...a big...sort of...origins of life, the
universe, and everything, philosophical kind of book.
DN: Like The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy?
A: Yeah, I haven't read that yet. Then maybe I'd have to write the
other book (the one about life the universe and everything),
since I don't know if one like that exists, at least one that I
would like!
DN: If you could take one person (and only one) with you to Smith
Island, who would it be?
A: My first thought was my friend Susan, but then, if I was going to
be on Smith Island forever and ever - I'd probably want a
male.... I'd accept applications for interviews for that
position.
DN: They can post the applications in the Dukie News
Box?
A: Yeah.
DN: We'll publish the results tomorrow. Anything else you'd like to
add?
A: Not at this time.
DN: Thanks Alison, you're a choice dude!
If you would like to apply for the position as Alison's companion on
Smith Island, or have a friend you would like to volunteer, please
post your applications in the Dukie News Box outside the Mac's
office.