The Dukie News
1 September 1995
Fast-Breaking Ice-Breaking News
-Lectures: 1900 1 Sept. - Dwarfs from the 17th Century to Walt
Disney. Mark. TV Lounge?
1300 2 Sept. - Chris on The Exciting World of Bacteria
and Sponges. TV Lounge
-From the Captain: We're stuck, that's all.
-A 66 knot wind was raging at Palmer Station today. We have already
been eating Palmer's freshies and watching their movies-- soon we'll
be reading their mail and trying on their clothes. Who needs to
actually go there anyway?
Classified Ads
-Help my hygiene! In search of shower-to-shower powder, chewing gum
(or bubble gum), and mints. Will trade for labor or ca$h. Speedy
sale is to your advantage. See Larry.
-You're on the right track if you can loan me your Model Railroad
magazines with lots of hot and steamy pictures. See Larry.
-I'm in a sticky situation and some double-sided tape would help me
finish my paper. See Chris.
-For sale and getting even cheaper! Nine tickets to Norway. Don't
miss the lutefisk. See the Captain.
Top 10 Reasons why le Dukie hasn't been able to break 63i S latitude
10. Barbie on the bow is too cold to fulfill the duties of the
masthead figurine in this climate. Larry forgot to bring the
Barbie ECW parka ensemble and until a new outfit can be sewn to
warm her up we'll continue to see Low and inconspicuous scenery.
9. It has come to light that the proper ceremonies were not
performed when the Duke crossed the equator en route from Seattle.
The participants received certificates, nonetheless, and in doing so
have jinxed all subsequent southbound voyages until enough libations
can be poured to appease the offended deities.
8. The combined latent telekinetic powers at Palmer Station have
placed a mental magnetic force shield to inhibit our passage north.
We have attempted to inform the responsible parties that all of the
freshies are being consumed and the mail disposed of so they will
release their hold, allowing us to return to P.A. to resupply.
7. The Reiber crew has not yet gathered enough data to adequately
prove exactly what happens when an unstoppable force meets an
immovable object and until they do we will remain in the ice pack.
6. Due to a lack of virgins for several hundred nautical miles, no
human sacrifices can be made.
5. We've discovered a new Bermuda Triangle, the Antarctic
Quadrilateral, somewhere in the vicinity of Smith and Low Islands.
Reservations for the tanning bed, if you want to pretend you're in
Bermuda, will be taken by the MPC. Bermuda shorts or appropriate
beachwear will be required.
4. Global cooling (see the Anti-anti-freeze article in the August
31 edition of the Dukie News) has caused shrinkage of the earth
resulting in the bunching up of the lines of latitude at the equator.
3. Revenge of the Albatross! There has been an increase in the
number of birds flying behind the ship ever since the mystery soup
was served. Tippy Hedron found out the hard way what maniacal
seabirds can do. A word of warning: Don't go out on deck without
full battle gear (immersion suit) unless you are prepared to
experience real terror. as all of the gulls see fit to lighten their
load at once.
2. The shift in the polarity of the earth, which is supposed to
occur sometime in the next few million years, has begun. All ships
with reinforced steel hulls are experiencing similar navigational
difficulties.
And the number one reason why we're in this predicament:
1. The Polar Duke has not yet received and installed Microsoft
Windows 95.
THERE WILL BE NO FORWARD PROGRESS UNTIL THE MORALE IMPROVES. CHEER
UP, DARN IT!
The Cutting Edge of Psychology - Part Two
Here is the long-awaited second batch of results from our intensely
probing and scientific inquiry into the depths of the human psyche.
Just to recapitulate, for those who weren't paying attention the
first time, subjects described their favorite color, animal, and body
of water with four adjectives, unaware that their answers revealed
their self-perception (color), how they believe others perceive them
(animal) and-- ahem-- the nature of their libido (body of water).
Our absent-minded scientists here at Dukie News have forgotten to
record who said what, so we leave the interpretation to our fair
readers.
Wanna Buy A Bridge?
Color: inviting, spectacular, moody, deep
Animal: fast, sleek, sexy, lean
Body of Water: clear, blue, warm, salty
Nancy Drew?
Color: dark, plain, deep, clear
Animal: cunning, mysterious, intelligent, resourceful
Body of Water: vast, deep, powerful, mysterious
Yin and Yang
Color: cool, bright, unusual, out-of-the-ordinary
Animal: intelligent, loyal, personable, intuitive
Body of Water: salty, calm, warm, blue
Get Thee to a Nunnery
Color: majestic, religious, intense, energetic
Animal: groveling, smelly, gray, ground-dwelling
Body of Water: cold, frozen, frigid, south
Advice
Dear Auntie Dukie,Allow me to introduce myself as the forgotten
33rd member of this ship. My name is Frederick and I am the resident
of the orange chilly bin [cooler to the red-blooded heathens amongst
you] in the wet lab. In case you are wondering, I am a purebred
Chionodraco rastrospinosus, descended from a noble line. In fact, my
pedigree is so fine that I am beyond blue-blooded-- that's right, the
stuff pumping through my veins is darn right see-through! To get
down to business, Auntie, I would like to make a few demands. First,
I am getting very hungry for a fine dinner of krill, properly
seasoned and tender, just like Mummy used to make (sniff, sniff).
Second, would it be too difficult to maintain my environs at a
constant -0.5 C? It's been like a heat wave in here and you are
roasting my poor little fish brain! Third, Auntie, if I am to donate
my body to science, a fish of my breeding deserves a proper wake and
burial. What would Mummy say if her well-brought up and schooled son
were tossed into a mass grave with the corpses of scum-sucking, red-
blooded heathens? Perish the thought!
Sincerely Yours,
Freddie
Dear Freddie,
I feel almost too lowly to even reply to a missive from such a royal
personage. My red-blooded advice is unworthy. However, as a honest-
to-goodness Agony Aunt, I feel obliged to help when I am called.
Firstly, I have consulted with our wonderful chief steward, who
informs me that while krill are not on the menu, will calamari do?
Secondly, the chief engineer informs me that it won't be long until
the whole darn boat is at -0.5i C -- we seem to be running low on
fuel!!!! Thirdly, since we are also running low on fresh food, you
can rest assured that you will rest INSIDE some red-blooded
heathens!!!!!!
Thank you most profusely, your highness,
Auntie Dukie
Words of the Day
Chilean: Linda - Beautiful. Auntie Dukie is "linda" -- oops, that
is to say her first name is Linda. See also spunky and
kjekk.
Norwegian: Raakjooring - To drive fast or recklessly, like the first
mate? Ask the Electrician.
Kiwi: Hooning - To drive fast or recklessly, like the first
mate? Also a noun, as in, "the first mate is a hoon."
American: There is no equivalent for Rikj+ring or Hooning in the
American lexicon because Americans are cautious and
courteous drivers all of the time.
Personality Profiles: Odd HelgeTeigen, Ship's Electrician
The Dukie News has been out and about, getting the inside scoop on
life as a ship's electrician.
Dukie News: Do you like being at sea? Why?
Odd: Yes, because of the good friendships aboard, and the holidays
for half the year.
DN: How many people do we have to throw overboard before you get to
be the Captain?
O: Five or six.
DN: Would you like to be the Captain?
O: No, it's not interesting enough!
DN: What's the first thing you'll do when we get to Punta Arenas?
O: Go to the Golden Dragon and have one beer. Then go home!!
DN: You won't get 'dritafull'?
O: I never get drunk!
DN: What do you do as the ship's electrician?
O: Keep the lights going.
DN: That's all?
O: I keep the engineers company and tease the Captain.
DN: What happens if there's an engine room emergency?
O: I run away.
DN: What's something really unusual about you?
O: My name!!!! Odd.
DN: Takk, Odd. You're a choice dude.
Coincidentally: Part Tre
Here are a few more chance encounters. The Dukie News welcomes your
contribution of stories of this nature.
Antarctica seems to be a good common denominator for people. Wearing
ice paraphernalia can be a good conversation starter ("icebreaker")
when traveling. Supply your friends and family with T-shirts, hat
pins and patches as well and other ice folk and their friends will
find one another.
When touring the Tower of London I met THE Kiwi Beefeater. He had
been to Scott Base many years earlier. If you go to the Tower of
London, look him up. Ask him if you can see his penguin in a
Beefeater outfit.
My mother met the wife of an OAE scientist when they ended up on a
train ride together.
One of the scientists who returns to McMurdo every year skied to the
iceberg that is trapped in the annual sea ice just near town on the
same day as I did. We were both photographing the bergy and
eventually struck up a conversation. He told me his name, a very
unique name. I told him I'd heard of only one other person with that
same name, that he used to date a classmate of mine in San Francisco,
and that he was the grandson of a famous scientist. This guy then
informed me that the famous scientist was his father-in-law and then
updated me on the status of this couple. They'd broken up some time
before but that's not the point. What are the chances of that
happening?
And, speaking of chances, just what are they for the next cruise
having more than six Dave's on board? That's an almost fifteen
percent Dave complement. Can we compliment them on their numbers by
renaming that cruise the Polar Dave?
Over one percent of my county in northern Minnesota has been to the
ice to work.
I read in my community newspaper this summer that I a guy from the
ice that I'd taken on a canoe trip with me in the Boundary Waters met
a couple that had worked at the outfitter's store on the edge of the
wilderness while he was traveling in Nepal.
Is the world getting smaller, or are there really only a few hundred
folks around who just keep meeting one another?
Thank you, takk, gracias to all our contributors. Letters, news,
stories, scuttlebutt, etc. are gladly accepted for publication by the
Dukie News Editorial Board. No dead fish though, please. The Dukie
News accepts no liability for anything whatsoever. Copies of the DN
are now available to send to your friends via e-mail or just on
paper. Bribe Eds, not Ed.