The Dukie News
30 August 1995
Fast-Breaking Ice-Breaking News
-Two Week Anniversary, One Week Turnaround Going Nowhere Hoping to
Escape Party. Dress for success! Don't miss the boat. TV lounge
20:00 -- punctuality recommended for the toast to a new direction!
-Lectures: 1300 31 Aug - Alison's "New Ways for Discovering
Diversity in the Microbial World or How Many Kinds
of Little Buggers Are Out There Anyway?" TV Lounge
1300 1 Sept - Jocelyn's "Everything You Did and Didn't
Want to Know About CTD's" Mess
-From the Captain: It was reportedly snowing inside the bridge this
afternoon, not to mention outside. At 1600 h our position is 63 27'
S, 62 27' W and we are 7.4 nm from Low Island, 22.0 nm from Smith
Island. Temperature is -3 C. Visibility: sucks. We drifted 6 nm
SE, then steamed NW 3 mn beginning at 1400h.
-From Reiber Shipping Command Central: Warm fuzzies to all aboard
(abored).
-Scuttlebutt: (refer to Words of the Day) Barbie has a new
boyfriend, Ken the Snowman, incarnated last evening by Chris and
Neijla.
Classified Ads
-For sale, lease, or rent: 1 Antarctic ice fish, slightly used,
though in great working condition. See Alison. Contributions go
to the DeVries Fund.
-Get them while you can! Fish printing lessons. $ negotiable.
Hurry before the fish putrifies!
-Caution to all novice jump-ropers! Beware of jumping on the steel--
your calves will never be the same.
-Seeking born-again virgins to sacrifice at the bewitching hour.
Volunteers meet on the foredeck. UNCLE DUKE NEEDS YOU!
-For sale, nine plane tickets to Oslo via Frankfurt and Santiago
departing September 5. Getting cheaper by the day. See the
Captain and make a deal.
Obituaries
-Mr. Hard Drive, a resident of Ed's laptop computer, suffered
permanent brain damage and was pronounced dead at approximately
1500 h today. He was 2 months old. Mr. Drive is survived by his
guardian, Dr. Ed DeLong. Family members will donate his silicon to
scientific research. Contributions may be directed to the Palmer
Station Memorial Fund.
-Millions and billions of bacteria kicked the bucket today. They are
survived by their daughters, and their daughters, and their
daughters...
-Deceased: All hope of getting to Punta Arenas by September 4th. No
survivors. No contributions.
Trivial Pursuits
Useless trivia and completely irrelevant drivel to keep your minds
stimulated. Did you know that:
-The mile is a Roman invention. It was 1000 paces of a Roman army.
(mil=1000 in Latin) This equated to 5000 feet. The British changed
the mile to be 5280 feet, so it would fit into their system, being
eight furlongs in length.
-For those who don't know what a furlong is....it is the length of a
plowed field-in other words, one furrow long. If that didn't clear
it up, it works out to be 220 yards long.
-A nautical mile is one minute of latitude, meaning that the Earth is
21600 (360 x 60) nautical miles (24545 statute miles, or 39525 km)
in circumference when measured across the poles.
-This means that if it is more than 10800 nautical miles to where you
are going, you're taking the scenic route.
-This also means they we may possibly have travelled a distance of
21594 nautical miles today!!!!!
-A league is three miles, so Captain Nemo travelled nearly three
times around the globe undewater in his travels.
The Cutting Edge of Psychology Scientists at the Dukie News have been
extremely busy conducting a field study investigating the effects of
prolonged isolation on self-perceptions. In our extraordinarily
scientific analysis, we presented a cross-section of passengers and
crew members with the Penguin Questionnaire developed by Dr.Sigmund
Royd of the University of Antarctica. Subjects were confidentially
asked (1) to visualize their favorite color and describe it with four
adjectives, followed by (2) four more adjectives corresponding to
their favorite animal, and finally (3) four adjectives describing
their favorite body of water. Unbeknownst to the participants was
the demonstrated correlation between the responses to each
question and their own individual psychological well-being. Dr. Royd
has ascertained that the three questions penetrate the depths of the
ego, superego and the id. The four adjectives given for the
subject's preferred color, animal, and body of water reveal,
respectively, self-image (ego), image of the self as perceived by
other people (superego), and libido (id). Quite by accident, our
absent-minded scientists have scrambled the results of these
investigations and cannot match the response with the individual.
Therefore, faithful readers, we shall print several results each day
and leave the guesswork to you.
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe...
Color: spring-like, happy, blooming, growing
Animal: strong, kind, fast, industrious
Body of Water: icy, full of life, changeable, salty
Get Back to Nature
Color: high-mountain meadows, slow-moving rivers, comfortable,
timeless
Animal: imperial, regal, majestic, proud
Body of Water: challenging, inspiring, timeless, lover
Dream Date
Color: cool, smooth, subtle, natural
Animal: intelligent, loyal, playful, emotional
Body of Water: liquid, warm, clear, alive
The Schizophrenic Duke?
Color: regal, festive, stately, velvetine
Animal: comical, ferocious, timid, nuisance
Body of Water: placid, rough & tumble, serene, expansive
Words of the Day
Chilean: Frio - Chilly, not to be confused with Chile.
Norwegian: Kjekk - Spunky. Is this deja vu?
Kiwi: Choice - Great. As in "Driving the boat is choice fun!"
American: Hammered - Drunk. See the Two Week Anniversary One
Week Turnaround Going Nowhere Hoping to
Escape Party.
Maritime: Scuttlebutt - A waterfountain, also the shipboard
gossip exchanged at the waterfountain.
Advice
Dear Auntie and Uncle Dukie:
Being the quality advice columnists that you are, lets have a few
words about MANNERS, shall we? One of my favourite columns back on
shore is the American one written by Miss Manners. This woman has
her act together when it comes to putting on pompous airs. At any
rate, SHE would know that when one is stuck in (excuse the term) ICE,
one NEVER uses that term in polite company. Rather, more pleasant
terminology SHOULD ALWAYS be substituted. May I suggest:
Ice = the fairway
Frozen = plush
Cold = balmy
Stuck = cruising
So: "Its so bloody cold the ship is stuck in the frozen ice"
Translates to: "Its so lovely balmy the ship is cruising on the plush
fariway." Isn't that much more nice and polite! Happy golfing!
Ever so respectfully yours,
Everett Hollingsworth III Esq.
Dear Everett: What you say is very true and correct, and we are glad
that you have pointed this out to us. It would be a tragedy for our
beloved readers to make such an inexcusable faux pas! However,
please, dear reader, and Everett my sweet, remember that if you do
attempt to play golf while its so lovely balmy and the ship is
cruising on the plush fairway, do use PINK golf balls. You may find
that the more usual white golf ball is a little hard to see!!!!
Respectfully yours,
Auntie Dukie
Personality Profiles: Alexis Sepulvida
Today we begin a series of interviews with personalities on and
around the Polar Duke. Today we discover just what it is that makes
Alexis tick.
Dukie News: What is the first thing you'll do when we get to Punta
Arenas?
Alexis: Phone home, and talk to my wife.
DN: What is your absolute, number one, favourite food?
A: Cazuela (pollo o vacuno). This is a Chilean soup, with chicken
or beef, and carrot, potato, onion, and lots more yummy stuff.
DN: What's the best place you've ever been?
A: Two places - Wilmington, North Carolina, USA and Chiloe, Chile.
Wilmington because it's quiet, and Chiloe because of all the
beautiful old buildings, and the interesting houses on stilts.
DN: How many people do we have to throw overboard before you get to
be the captain?
A: Five.
DN: What's the longest time you've spent at sea?
A: Four and a half months. That was on a trip with this company, to
McMurdo, the Ross Sea, and Palmer.
DN: Do you get seasick?
A: Only once - on my first trip with the Navy. And never again.
DN: Imagine if you were stuck on an iceberg, with just you, some
food, and warm clothes. If you could have any three things with
you, what would you choose? (No people allowed)
A: A radio to listen to the news, a picture of my wife and children,
and a book to read, maybe one to learn German.
DN: What's something really interesting about you?
A: I can eat everything!!!!!
DN: Anything else you'd like to add?
A: Conservar la calma en Navidad llegaremos a Punta Arenas. (For
the non-Spanish speakers, this translates to "Stay calm, and
we'll be in Punta Arenas by Christmas.")
DN: Thanks, Alexis, you're a choice dude!
Coincidences: Part One
Carol Crossland
So, here's one for you. It's a true story complete with Kiwi
translations where I remember them.
I had finished my summer job in the Wind River Mountains, Wyoming, in
1991. I was expecting to attempt a return to the hallowed halls of
academia after the New Year began. With a few weeks vacation time I
opted to take a backpacking (tramping) trip with my brother into the
Grand Canyon in the weeks prior to Christmas.
We hiked to the bottom of the GC where the Colorado River tirelessly
continues to carve out this scenic wonder and began up the trail
(track) to the North Rim as high as we could go. As the Rim itself
was closed, we had to settle for the Cottonwood Campground. Several
times on our way up the trail (track) we leapfrogged a small person
wearing baggy black tights and a small backpack (rucksack). We'd
nod, wave, acknowledge one another's presence and then continue
trudging and taking advantage of the Kodak moments of the GCanyon's
secret spaces. That night, when we'd pitched camp and had dinner we
noticed that the little trekker had also made it to the campground
but besides the three of us there was only nature for company.
After darkness fell she (as we'd come to determine over the course of
our chance encounters) came to our site with a request. "Do you have
a wee torch I could borrow? I seem to have broken the wee pole on my
bivy sack." Chris and I thought to ourselves, "Aha, she's not from
here" and tried to remember what a torch was to somebody with a
slightly British accent. We both handed her a flashlight at about
the same time, and invited her over for a cup of tea when she
returned from her repair job.
She told us her name was Leigh and that she was from New Zealand.
When home on the South Island somewhere she worked at the backcountry
huts. It turned out she was nearly the same age as I. Here tights
were drooping because she'd dried them too close to a stove and to
emphasize what had happened when the waistline turned to a shrink-
wrap type substance she peeled off a few crunchy bits. Her laugh was
very unique and frequent.
She had signed on as crew on a Japanese sailing ship that had gone
from New Zealand to the US via the Inside Passage of Alaska. While
the owners vacationed in the States she was free to travel until the
ship was set to sail back. Her plans included many of the
southwestern National Parks. We were able to offer advice on some of
them, having lived near several. We parted company the next day,
passing one another on the trail off and on the descent as we had on
the way up.
My mind was wandering faster than my feet could travel. Here was a
lone woman traveler, with a background similar to mine. Yet I had
never even applied for a passport. International travel, for me, had
been limited to Tijuana, Mexico and the AlCan Highway enroute to
Alaska through Canada. I knew I wanted a change of scenery but
didn't quite know how to go about beginning to travel abroad.
Chris and I hiked up out of the Grand C after a few days. I showered
at his house and then drove to my sister's house in Ventura,
California. That's about twelve hours. I spent much of the trip
with the spare brain cells, those not needed for concentrating on
driving, trying to figure where I could go, how I could get there.
My recent case of wanderlust could not be sated, it seemed without my
feet touching foreign soil.
I arrived at my sister's home at about 2 am the next morning. On the
coffee table in her living room was a letter. It read "NEED A JOB?"
What I needed then was to unwind and the next line really piqued my
interest: "Want to travel?" I silently answered yes to both
questions and continued reading. "Do you want to see sunsets that
last forever and the Aurora Australis?" This sounded particularly
nice. The letter went on to describe a position available for the
winter-over season in Antarctica and I knew before I'd finished the
letter, that is I had this feeling, that my life was about to change
dramatically and that this was the direction I'd be taking. BUT, it
was after 2 am AND I had been hiking and driving all day. To guard
against making an unfortunate decision in my highway hypnotic state,
I figured I'd wait until morning to give the matter serious thought.
Next day, well rested and still certain that this was a good idea I
phoned the Denver office number and requested an application. I was
hired over the phone, that day, my birthday.
Now there were a few complications from that time until I was
actually on a flight to McMurdo station but I will spare you the
details because the end of the story is so much better.
After wintering over I stayed on the ice the following summer. I was
attending a Sunday Science lecture about midseason. I stayed after
the lecture to ask some questions of the speaker. Sitting next to me
was somebody who seemed oddly familiar. I hadn't a clue as to how I
could know anybody on the ice, yet her voice, when she spoke, was one
I was sure I'd heard before. Then she laughed and I was going crazy
trying to figure out where I could place that laugh when I looked
down at her black tights and all the mental connections were made.
Leigh and I nearly fell over laughing because it was one year to the
day (with the exception of the International Date Line changeover
day) from when we had met in the Grand Canyon! Unbelievable.
Neither of us knew we'd be going to the ice when we met. That's how
I got to where I am today.
Dukie News Goes Worldwide
Dukie News daily circulation now includes three hemispheres!
Subscribers in New Zealand and both coasts of the United States
anxiously await gripping news of the 32 persons aboard a little red
boat somewhere near that low and inconspicous island known as Low.
Staff staticians note that the publication length is now doubling
daily and project that we'll be able to break ice with the weight of
the paper before we reach Punta Arenas.The editors would like to
thank all our contributors, especially Carol and Alexis. All
contributions, fiction, non-fiction, letters to the editor, and to
Auntie Dukie will be gratefully accepted. Please email to pdsc02 or
pdsc03, or tiptoe down to cabin 405 and slip it under the door in the
wee hours.