The Dukie News
29 August 1995
Fast-breaking Ice-breaking News
-Lecture Schedule: 1600 daily - Aerobics in the TV lounge
1830 29 Aug - Marian's "Palmer Station as you've
never seen it"
1900-2100 - Day Room closed for party to which
you're not invited.
-From the Captain: We have traveled a whopping 200 miles today!!!
That's 102 miles North and 98 miles South.
-From the Chief Engineer: Please continue to save water (from what?)
and start to think about saving fuel.
-Art has donated a specimen to Art. Chris and Allison have printed T-
shirts with Chionodraco rastrospinosus, or a species of Antarctic ice
fish.
-Three meals were served on board the Polar Duke today: breakfast,
lunch, and dinner. Anthropologists confirm that this is a daily
occurrence among the inhabitants.
Words of the Day
Norwegian: Hellvete - hell. As in "hellvetes isen".
American: Dammit - Rude form of darn. But in fact darn is a
nice form of dammit. As in "Dammit, we're
stuck again."
Kiwi: Bugger - A person who ruins your day. As in "You
little bugger, you drank the last beer."
Jewish-American: Nebbik - The unlucky person who gets blamed for
drinking the last beer.
Chilean: Argentine - The evil person who deliberately drank
the last beer just to be annoying.
Hell All Over the World
Have you ever thought about what hell means to you? Is it being
forced to eat broccoli? Living with your mother-in-law? Or watching
Beverly Hills 90210? Our reporters at the Dukie News office have
been doing some research into definitions of hell in different
cultures. Here are just a few to get you thinking:
-For Norwegians, hell is being stuck on a little red boat, and
missing the plane to Oslo on September 4th.
-For Americans, hell is being stuck on a little red boat with no
cable TV.
-For kiwis, hell is being stuck on a little red boat with a bunch of
bloody foreigners.
-For Chileans, hell is just being stuck on a little red boat.
What is it about little red boats, anyway?
Classified Advertisements
-For Sale. One little red boat. Slightly used. Complete with
captain, crew and passengers. Slightly used. As is, where is.
Offers over 100 pesos.
-Hurry, while they last! Ice cubes at wholesale prices! By the ton
only. No delivery.
-Support group sought for individual suffering from
Littleredboatophobia.
-For sale. 9 plane tickets to Norway. Depart Punta Arenas 4
September. Price negotiable. See the Captain.
-Wanted: Experienced journalists for small publication chronicling
the lives of people aboard a little red boat. Apply in person in the
aft computer lab. 4 pm daily.
Weather Forecast: Ice today, and tomorrow, and the next day...
Yesterday's Position: 63 28' S, 62 24' W
Today's Position: 63 25' S, 62 33' W whoopdie doo!
Advice
Dear Auntie Dukie:
I've had a lot (and I do mean a lot) of time recently to ponder some
of the most burning philosophical questions of humankind, and I'm
trying to tackle some of the most impotent (sic) ones first. This
one's a puzzle, and maybe you can help. The ship I'm on, the Polar
Duke, is named after MALE royalty, yet all ships as you know are
FEMALE in gender and referred to as she. This confusing ! I mean,
just what IS the Duke. Is this just some reflection of liberated
sexual values, does the Duke really have an identity crisis, or is
she just bi? I can't stop thinking about this, and maybe you can
help...Thanks, Auntie
A natural philosopher
Dear Natural:
You have practically solved your own problem; the key is, as you say,
the problem is an "impotent" one. In this day and age of liberation,
I think we should consider the possibility that the Duke is a
transsexual. After centuries of maritime gender oppression, the Duke
has broken the ice by rebelling against the supposition that he must
be a she. That is to say, when they had the Duke in dry-dock a few
years back to reinforce the hull for ice, they did a little more
structural modification than that, and now she is a he. If you don't
believe me, talk to the Polar Drag Queen.
Love, but no kisses please, Auntie Dukie
Dear Auntie Dukie:
I'm confused. I seem to be lost in an endless haze of deja vu, like
a small nut caught in a massive white frozen vice. Its so odd, but
every day seems much the same. I get up, eat, and wander from bow to
stern, staring at an endless bowl of frozen Cool Whip - after lunch
its a repeat only to be followed by the same thing after dinner.
Every once in a while this endless do-loop is punctuated by some
really (I mean REALLY) strange but pleasant dreams, maybe a lecture,
or bizarre pagan rituals performed in the video lounge. But these
pleasant dreams quickly fade, and soon I'm back in the monotone
reality of wandering a chunk of red metal in an endless frozen
austral sea. HELP !!!!! Am I lost in the twilight zone? Have I
slipped in Dimension X, or some other cheap science fiction thriller?
Is the ozone hole really the Bermuda Triangle in disguise (or maybe
its distant cousin)? Or worst of all, am I really experiencing the
dreaded "curse of the icefish", for all the past injustices inflicted
on this species????? Please help - what can I do?????
Dazed and Confused
PS Auntie, You are really spunky in my book.
Dear Dazed:
Why thank you. I'm glad you think I'm spunky. Perhaps we could go
bar-hopping sometime. We could check out the TV lounge, and maybe
the dayroom. Unfortunately though, Dazed my dear, its all true.
THIS IS REALITY! Your memories of green grass and flowers and
chocolate fish are but flickerings of fantasy on the edge of your
consciousness. You may find that occasionally bashing your head
against the hull will finally banish these tortuous ideas. Try it -
it'll be the most exciting thing that happens all day!!
All my love and Uncle Dukie's too, Auntie Dukie
Thank you for reading The Dukie News, from the bottom of our widdle
hearts. Contributions, letters to the Editor and to Auntie Dukie
gladly accepted. Complaints ignored. E-mail accounts pdsc02 or
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